Movies Opening This Weekend

Beowulf

Breaking News!: Computer Angelina Jolie is still way, WAY hotter than you.

I don't understand why people make motion capture movies. If you want to make a cartoon, make a cartoon. If you want to make a live action movie, make a live action movie. But this in- between bullshit is just weird. And seemingly unnecessary now that computers can create ridiculously cool special effects in live action movies. That being said, motion captured "Beowulf" looks about a billion times better than the shitastic "Polar Express", which someone managed to be both super creepy and mind numbingly boring at the same time. And Angelina Jolie already looks like a superhuman computer character, so what's the harm? This movie's probably going to be awesome.

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

"I'll show you my magic if you show me yours..."

Now, I'm a big fan of magic. I just finished rereading ALL 7 Harry Potter books in a row, and if that doesn't make a magic nerd then I don't know what does. But boy oh boy, the magic in this movie looks super gayballs. At the end of the trailer a little toy sock monkey gave Jason Bateman a hug and I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Don't go see this movie unless you have a small child with you. And even then, you should probably just drop your baby off and let it fend for itself. That's how they learn.

Love In The Time of Cholera

"Wow...I honestly thought you'd be a lot hotter when you got old...ummmmmm, yeah....this is awkward now..."

This is a wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking, timeless novel. But the trailer makes it look like this movie is "The Notebook" with spanish accents. Javier Bardem is pretty much a badass, which is a plus, but John Leguizamo plays someone loud and annoying (what else is new?), so that's a minus. Plus, you might catch cholera. So you should probably just go read the book instead.

What Would Jesus Buy?

"Oh my GOD, I can't believe we all wore the same outfit. How EMBARRASSING..."

"Searching for the true meaning of Christmas, the Reverend Billy travels the country to exorcise the demons out of Wal-Mart headquarters, preach against the infamous Mall of America and visit the wonderful world of Disneyland."

I hope Jesus is buying this guy some meds. Or a new brain. That being said, go watch the trailer for this movie. It actually looks wicked awesome. Because who DOESN'T want to exorcise the demons out of a Wal-Mart billboard sometimes?!


That's all for now folks! Thanks for reading!

Gayballs,
Jill